Diary of Demetria
by DemiIsMyInspiration
Summary: Day One: I thought I heard something, but paid no attention. There was a million thoughts running through my head at once. They were all flying around so fast that I could hardly breathe. i just wanted it to stop. just read, better then summary.T 2b safe
1. Admission

**Admission.**

"Demi?"

I thought I heard something, but paid no attention. There was a million thoughts running through my head at once. They were all flying around so fast that I could hardly breathe. _Madison. Mom. Madison. Fans. Madison. Tour. Nick. Kevin…._ _Him. _They were just flying around me and I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to leave, to stop the madness in my life. I just wanted it to stop.

I just wanted it to stop.

A cold hand on my shoulder shook me out of my thoughts, "Demi, come on sweetie. They're ready for you." my mom said with a loving, yet worried voice. I looked down and closed my eyes briefly before getting up, folding my arms together, and following her.

I walked down the whiter then white halls, with shiny white tiles covering the floor. There were people walking up and down the halls in blue robes and blue slippers. I hardly noticed them anyways, I was in my own world, still worried about the thoughts in my own head. My mom turned her head towards me like she had been doing for hours now. I know she meant well, but I was getting sick of it by now.

"mom, I'm fine.." I reassured softly. She smiled and looked away, sighing lightly.

"That's what you said a few weeks ago too." she aid under her breath. I looked down and wrapped my arms tighter around myself before looking ahead of me again.

"where's Maddie?" I asked with sadness, feeling my throat close up a little. My mom stopped walking and turned to me as I did the same.

"sweetheart.." she started cautiously, taking my hands from around me, "you can't let her know how much pain you're in right now." she said with a watery voice.

"mom.." I interrupted.

"No Demi, you can't, ok?" she reaffirmed, taking my face in her hands this time, before dropping them to her side and clearing her throat, "you have to protect her right now. If she knows her big sister, and her role model is in pain…" she cut herself off and restarted, "it just wouldn't be very good for her right now. Ok?" she finished.

I nodded and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, "I'll try my best.." I whispered. I hate lying to her. Its so hard. She knows me like no one else does. She knows when I'm lying.

This is going to be hard.

We walked to the end of the hallway and turned the corner, leading into the drop off centre's waiting room. I saw my little sister with my dad , who I had said my goodbyes to previously. She had a brave look on her face, tapping her feet and twiddling her thumbs. I can tell she was trying to hold herself together with her cute-as-heck nervous habits. I walked in a bit further and she immediately saw me, running to me with her arms outstretched. I caught her as her head hit my stomach, wrapping my arms around her tightly. She squeezed me back just as tightly, as her composure began to crack. I felt her starting to break down as I rubbed her back soothingly.

"shh, I'm fine baby.. Its ok." I cooed softly, still rubbing her back. She pulled away a little, looking up at me with damp eyes. I faked a smile and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, "I'm ok.. See?" I said kneeling down to her height and looking into her eyes, "I'm just fine, ok?" I reassured.

Maddie bared a small smile and then stopped, looking down at her feet, "what are they going to do with you in here?" she asked cautiously, only looking up at the end as I saw more tears roll down her pinch-worthy cheeks. I sighed as I felt my heart drop into my stomach, willing myself not to cry. I laid my cold hands on her cheeks, wiping away the tears before answering.

"they're going to fix me in here. that's why I'm here Maddie, I need to be fixed." I answered with a watery voice. My throat felt like it was strangling itself and my breath caught in my throat. She looked down and shook her head, looking almost confused as she did so.

"but.. You're not broken.." she said starting to cry again, looking up at me sadly. It made my heart sink even further as I felt my tears betraying me behind my eyes, "you can't be broken.. You're the only person I have.."

"shh, its ok Maddie. I'm fine ok? I'm just going to go in, get fixed, and then come back out to see you again." I interrupted her as a small tear rolled down my cold cheek. I was trying my best to put on a smile for her, but she could break me down like no one else. She suddenly looked up with a face full of terror.

"wait, I can come see you in here though, right?" she said starting to panic a little. I looked up at my mom, who knitted her eyebrows together and looked away. I knew what that meant. She wasn't allowed.

Apparently she understood too because she grabbed my arm a little too tightly before her eyes widening, panic stricken, "no! I have to come see you! This isn't fair!" she yelled, backing up a bit, almost scared. I immediately pulled her back to me comfortingly.

"no no, listen.. Its ok! I'll be in here, you'll be busy with all of your friends.. and you get to see me in thirty days-"

"thirty days!-"

"Madison." my mom cut in, "stop. Its going to be ok. You'll see her soon. She'll be better next time." Maddie suddenly stopped everything and looked down, knowing when her mom stepped in, it was final.

"but I want her the way she is now. She's perfect the way she is now.. She's my Demi." She slumped her shoulders and started crying, her façade falling away. As soon as I saw her break down, my heart felt like it was broken in a million pieces. It hurt so bad to know I was hurting her. I pulled her into a hug before she could see the now fast-paced tears rolling down my face as she held on to me like she could never see me again, digging her little fingers into my baggy sweater.

"I'm so sorry.." I apologized softly, after I had built up my composure again. I pulled away slightly so I could look at her, still broken, "listen.." I said, pausing and looking up at my mom and back down to Maddie, "I'll try to arrange something where you can come in to see me in a few weeks or so, but until then you just have to be my little soldier ok? Be strong for me?" I said with a fake smile. She looked into my eyes and nodded softly before looking at mom. Mom sighed and knitted her eyebrows together, but didn't exclude it from the possibilities.

"promise?" she inquired, so hopelessly that it broke my heart all over again. I sighed and rubbed her arms.

"I'll try baby." I answered with a soft smile. She wiped her eyes with her hand, still clutching onto my sweater with the other hand. I heard my mom stir beside me as I looked up.

"ok, come on Madison. We have to go now darling." my mom said sadly, trying to be brave. Madison started breathing fast and looked at me with wide eyes.

"its ok Maddie, I'm going to be ok, alright?" I told her comfortingly before pulling her in and hugging her tightly. I closed my eyes, yelling at myself to keep my emotions in for my little sister, for my mom, for my family, "I love you so much baby girl."

"I love you to, d-dems." she said in a sob, before letting go and leaning her forehead against mine, closing her eyes. I did the same, before pulling away and kissing her forehead lovingly.

"I'm ok." I said as we let go of each other.

"Madison, go see daddy. I'll meet you two back in the waiting room ok?" my mom said in a monotone voice. Maddie wiped her eyes and turned around slowly before walking away. Still knelt down, I put my head in my hands as my tears started falling. I felt my moms strong hand gripping my shoulder as she walked around to the front of me, rubbing my shoulder and back comfortingly.

"hey.. Baby. Its ok, she'll be just fine." she tried to reassure me motherly. It didn't help however, I knew she was lying. 30 days was the minimum here. If she couldn't make it thirty days, how is she going to deal with sixty? Or even ninety? I looked at my mom with tears in my eyes and stood up.

"I know she will.. I just.. I messed up. I can't believe I'm hurting everyone like this because I was too selfish to admit I needed help earlier.. I just.. I can't anymore, you know?-"

"demi, stop. You did nothing wrong. I am so incredibly proud of you for taking this step by yourself, and being so mature about all of this." she admitted to me, tucking a few strands of hair behind my ears and cupping my face in her loving hands. She took my hand in hers and nodded to me reassuringly, "come on. We have to go meet Dr. Byrd and check you in."

* * *

**Hey guys. **

**So, as you may or may not know, I freaking love demi lovato. The recent news of her admittance into treatment gave me a spark of inspiration to write this fan fic (as bad as that might sound). Im planning on making into a 10-30 chapter story. Probably a chapter each week. IF I get reviews. So please tell me if you want me to continue! :D**

**Love, Carley :D 3**

**PS, follow me on twitter! :D www. Twitter. Com/ ohmydeelo (NO SPACES) :D**


	2. Welcome To Treatment

**Welcome To Treatment.**

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"please, sit down, make yourselves comfortable."

I sat down cautiously, my mother sitting down in the maroon chair beside me. Dr. Byrd sat in a big leather chair behind his desk opposite my mom and I. I was so nervous. I didn't know what to do or say next. I was suddenly starting to re-think coming here. Dr. Byrd was a stocky man, balding in the front with slim black glasses. He was wearing a white lab jacket, along with a white collared shirt and blue tie underneath, paired with black jeans and loafers. He grabbed my file off of his desk and scuffled through it quickly before looking up.

"so I see here that your daughter has had a small, but prominent history with these issues?" he read off of the medical transcripts to my mother, as if I wasn't there. My mom interlaced her hands together tightly and sighed.

"yes. It was a long time ago.. I thought she'd recovered." she said looking at me with motherly guilt, "I guess I had been wrong."

"mom.." I interrupted softly. My mom shook her head, signalling for me that now was not the time. I sighed and looked back down to my hands. Dr. Byrd was watching us like a hawk - pardon the pun - watching every move we made, scrutinizing everything. He picked up a pencil and wrote on a notepad that was laying beside his computer, scribbling something down quickly before peeling it off and sticking it in my file. He cleared his throat and flipped a few pages before closing it firmly, making a slapping sound that startled me. He looked up and smiled softly.

"sorry. Didn't mean to scare you." he said calmly. He leaned forward and wrested his interlocked hands on the desk, "so Demetria-"

"Y-You can call me Demi.." I interrupted unintentionally. He smiled a little before continuing.

"ok, Demi.. Lets talk about what your wanting to get out of your experience here at Graceful Shadows Treatment Center?" what did I want to get out of this? I just wanted to be right.. Normal.. I just wanted to be me again.

"uh.. I don't know. I just.. Don't want to feel this way anymore I guess.." I said with a shrug, still looking down at my hands. Dr. Byrd leaned back in his chair slowly, apparently mesmerized by what I had admitted to him. He stayed leaning back for a few seconds before swinging forwards suddenly, frightening me again, before scribbling something else in his book. He knitted his eyebrows and looked at my mother.

"is Demi always this jumpy?" he asked seriously, wiggling his pencil between his fingers. My mom looked at me and then back at the doctor.

"no.. she's just scared and overwhelmed right now, I think." my mom said quietly with guilt, answering his question. I continued to look down at my hands the entire time. The doctor nodded silently, as I heard him turn his chair towards me.

"Demi?" he said in a stern voice. I looked up cautiously, clutching my hands together firmly, "there's no reason to be afraid ok? You're safe now." he said with a caring smile. I scoffed slightly, throwing my hands to my thighs.

"safe from what exactly? I was safe when I wasn't here. I had security guards lining the stages of my performances, going with me everywhere, I was fine." I let out in a hurry. It felt good to get a bit of it out, I was sick of everyone worrying about me. I was going to be fine.

"yes Demetria, but the one thing you were never safe from, was yourself." he said in his stern voice. I felt my confidence fall with those last words, knowing he was right. I wasn't safe from myself, "you have to learn how to control your actions when you're at your worst. that's part of the reason you admitted yourself, correct?" he asked, already knowing the answer. I cleared my throat before answering.

"yeah.. I-I guess."

"good. So, I think we should show you where you'll be staying." he said getting out of his leather chair, outstretching a hand to the door. My mom and I both got up slowly, I walked in front of her first, she was behind me. He opened the door, holding it for us as we walked out slowly, cautiously. I felt my mom place a comforting hand on my lower back, almost guiding me down the hallway, letting me know it was alright, "so, this is the adolescent hallway. Males and females are separated by hallways, girls to the right, boys to the left. Opposite genders in the same room is strongly prohibited." he told me with a serious look, "you will be staying in room 105, which is right down here" Byrd told me, leading me down what I now knew was the girls hallway. My mom and I followed him down, my anticipation and fear building with each step I took, each door I passed. I passed by one room with a girl who was rocking back and forth on her bed, pulling at her hair. I knitted my eyebrows together as we passed it, noticing she was mutter something. She looked like she was in pain, I felt bad for her, "and this is where young Demi will be staying." Byrd said, reaching his hand out once again to welcome us into the room. I looked around before setting my duffle bag down on the bed. It was small.. But not too small. It had a huge bay window that looked out to the city, with white floors and white walls, a wooden bed with lavender comforters on it. And although the bed had shaved off round corners - as did everything in the room - and the windows had bars on them, it was beautiful. Nice and relaxing, just what I need.

"well this is nice isn't it baby?" my mom said in a hopeful voice, praying I would be ok with it. I turned around to her with a fake smile on my face - although it was beautiful, still fake.

"yeah.. Yeah its great. Thanks." I answered softly. I didn't lie, it was nice.. I was just very scared of being alone. Isn't that crazy? I mean, I used to crave to get a moment alone, but when you get used to being busy, you're never alone. Its scary to think of being alone.. Just me and my thoughts.. I'm just crazy scared.

"great! Well, I'll go get the paperwork then." Byrd told my mom as he started walking through the door to go back down the hallway, "Demi, since you're 18 you'll have to read over and sign everything." he said before he exited, putting his index finger up to signal he'd be right back. As soon as he left I sighed, plopping myself down on the bed and knitting my fingers together so tightly that they turn white. My mom sat down beside me quietly and placed her hand on my back, rubbing soothing circles in it.

"you scared baby?" my mother asked sincerely, trying to look into my eyes.

"maybe a little.." I answered, not looking back at her at all. I didn't want to lie to her, but I couldn't tell her the truth. If I told her I was really, really scared, she'd stay here with me instead of going home to comfort Madison.

Maddie needs her more right now.

"well, it'll be ok dems. You're a very strong, inspired girl. You'll get through this." she cooed sympathetically. For some reason, this made me really angry. I mean, if I was so damn strong, then what the hell was I doing in here? The only reason you're in one of these _things_ is if you're broken. Crazy. Damaged goods.

_Worthless._

"yeah.. Strong. Right." I mumbled sarcastically to my mom. She knitted her eyebrows together and looked at me, opening her mouth to say something.

"alright-y here.." Dr. Byrd said as he walked into the room, unknowingly cutting my mom off, "alright Demi, you'll just have to read and sign these." he said flipping to a page on his clipboard and handing it to me, along with a pen. There were about 20 pages. _Great._ I took it and started to read the documents before signing them.

"excuse me, Dr. Byrd?" I heard my mom beckon. Dr. Byrd smiled and turned towards her, "um, can I just talk to you for a second in the hall?" mom asked quietly. I looked up at her with knitted eyebrows, a little offended - knowing she was going to talk about me. She smiled at me and shook her head, as if to tell me its nothing serious. If she had to talk to him alone, it was serious. She couldn't fool me.

They walked out the door, shutting it behind them. I tried to listen to what they were saying, but all I could hear was shushed mumbling. I instead focused on the paper work, "blah blah blah, do you accept the terms and conditions…" I mumbled to myself as I signed it. And then something caught my eye, a clause in the contract in which said,

'_in the case of self inflicted harm or death, this facility will not be in proceedings with you/ your child.'_

Whoa. That kind of shocked me, but before I had time to think, my mom and Dr. Byrd walked back in.

"alright Demi, if you've got everything signed, I think its time to get settled in for the night and we'll start fresh tomorrow." Dr. Byrd said in a professional voice. I was done signing the contract.. But I didn't want to 'settle in' yet. This wasn't my home, or somewhere I felt remotely comfortable at yet. But I had chosen to do this, so I guess I'll suck it up and move on.

"yeah, sure.. Here." I replied quietly as I passed him the papers. He smiled and took them from me, looked them over, and then smiled again.

"alright! Well I'll let you two say your goodbyes." he said with another smile, "Demetria, I'll see you at group dinner later on. don't worry, I'll come down to get you and show you where it is." he explained thoroughly. I nodded and looked back down to my hands. My mom walked up to Dr. Byrd and shook his hand firmly.

"thank you doctor. I really appreciate this, especially on short notice. She really needs this." she said sincerely. Great. That makes me feel awesome. _not._

"no problem ma'am." Byrd said politely before walking out the door, closing it silently behind him. When the door was closed for a few seconds, my mo turned around to find me, again, staring at my hands.

"Demi," my mom called, getting my attention, "you know I love you, so, so much, right?" she asked, as if it were really a question she didn't know the answer to. I looked up at her with knitted eyebrows and nodded.

"of course mama." I answered firmly, standing up slowly to embrace her. I hugged her for was seemed like an hour before letting go. When I finally did I saw that there were tears rolling down her face, "mom.." I said sympathetically, feeling tears of my own starting to form.

"no no, I'm fine baby. I just.. I'm just going to miss you." she said sadly, taking my face in her hands and kissing my forehead softly.

"mom you can come in tomorrow, its no big deal, parents are allowed to come in whenever they want. Its other family and friends that aren't allowed." I explained to her. She looked down with knitted eyebrows and back up to me.

"sweetie.." she started, sounding like she was about to walk on eggshells, "Dr. Byrd said it would be best if I didn't see you for a week or so.. Just until you get settled in." she told me, dropping the bomb. My heart sank into my stomach. So not only am I going to be alone at night, every night, I can't see her, or any of my family for 'a week or so'!

"mom, that's not fair! I'm going to be alone all of the time!"

"Demi, you used to complain about never being alone sweetheart." she said holding my face in her hands again, "you've changed so much in the last month, I can hardly recognize you anymore, love." she said looking into my eyes, "I just want my daughter back.." mom admits, as a tear rolled down her already tear stained cheek, "you have to do this for me, for Madison, for dad.. For the fans, for everybody, alright? Just take a load off, take some time to think, and I'll see you as soon as possible." she explained to me very motherly, wiping the now frantic tears that were falling, "I promise baby girl…ok?" I caught my breath that I didn't realize I was holding in, before nodding silently, "ok." she said once more before pulling me in for another quick hug.

"I love you momma." I spoke through my watery voice and cascading tears.

"I love you too, Demi." she told me back. I pulled away from her as she reached for the door knob of my room, both of us in tears, not remotely ready for this.

"I'll see you soon." she said in a shaky voice. I wiped my eyes before speaking.

"It's all going to be ok."

* * *

**Hey everyoneeeeee! :D**

**Its Carley.. Duh. :P so I decided to post another chapter this soon, because well, you guys are AMAZING. I loved and read every single one of your reviews, annnnnd I love you :D**

**So what did you think? Was it ok? Next chapter is when the story ACTUALLY starts.. I have a feeling its going to be a LONG story, if you guys are up to it :P let me know what you thought and if you want the next chapter! :D**

**Carley xx**


	3. Dinner

**Dinner.

* * *

**

Sitting on my new bed, I opened my duffle bag and started to unpack everything. I took out half of my folded clothes and put them in the dresser - which had no handles, by the way. After sorting my clothes out and putting them away, I went back to my duffle bag and took out the pictures I had brought with me. I took out a picture of Maddie and I, My mom and I, and another of my whole family. I set the on my night stand as I heard a small knock on the door. I looked up and saw a short woman with brown hair in blue jeans and a white collared t-shirt.

"Hi, Demi?" she asked curiously, her voice was soft and smooth. I nodded and faked a smile, even though I was sure my eyes were still damp. She smiled and walked in a bit further, stretching out her hands, "Hey, my name is Serri, I'm going to be your nurse for the course of your stay." she explained as I shook her hand firmly. I nodded slowly, all the attention and doctors here were starting to make me feel like a mental case.. Although I guess I kind of was now..

"so, what exactly will you be taking care of?" I asked, trying to nicely say, 'ok, so what do you do?' she looked at me with a small smile, letting go of my hand.

"I'll basically be your best friend in here." she said chuckling a bit.

_Haha. Yeah right. More like my worst nightmare._

"but you know, more then that, I'll just make sure that you're not alone too much. Some people in here get a little dangerous to themselves when they're alone. I'll also keep track of your meals, and your exercise regiments.. So more like your mom I guess." she chuckled, talking with her hands, still smiling.

"I already have a mom." I spat at her unknowingly, not even meaning to. She was a bit taken aback by the venom in my voice, but she quickly recovered, smiling once again.

"oh don't worry, I would never try to replace your mom.. I'm just like a temporary substitute when she's not here. I'll be with you the most for the first week or so. When you get your first visit.. Its pretty emotional when they're there, not to mention when they leave." she explained, almost sympathetically. I looked down, turning around and going back to my duffle bag.

"yeah. Well, I'm sure I'll be just fine, thanks." I spat out again. Ok, what is wrong with me? I was actually being really mean. she was just trying to help, but for some reason I didn't want any help. I just wanted to be independent and do this all by myself.

"yes well, we'll see when that time comes." she said in her soft voice. I heard her sigh and walk closer to me, "anyways, I just came to say hey and that I'll see you in about an hour for dinner. Dr. Byrd and I will come down and get you." Serri said with another smile before leaving the room and closing the door softly behind her. After she left, I sat down on the edge of my bed, staring out the barred window at the city that was right in front of me. I felt like there were millions of people moving around, succeeding right in front of me, yet I was taking a step backwards. I was failing, out of all the people in the world that have succeeded like I have, I was now failing. Great.

I looked back down at my feet, closing my eyes for a few seconds before breathing out and opening them again. This is when it got hard, at times like this when I felt like the weight of the world was crashing down on me. When I felt like everything around me was exploding and I had no control of anything. This is when I wanted to take control. This is when I wanted to shake myself out of the depression.

This is when wanted to cut.

I got up from my bed, my fisted hands by my side as I walked to my door and back about twenty times, just going over everything in my head. _I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok._ I kept repeating to myself, trying to calm my cravings down. I put my hands together, rubbing my thumbs against them roughly as I was now breathing heavily._ I can do this. _I told myself again, burning holes in the floor from pacing so much. I kept having flashbacks of what had happened. All of the pain and broken trust. It hurt four times as much as it should have. In fact, none of it should have happened at all. It just hurt so much… I just lost it.

I started getting really antsy, almost breaking my own fingers because of how hard I was squeezing my hands together. _no! I can do this!_ walking towards the window, I looked out at it once again, remembering when we were down there - Madison, mom and I - playing in the park with our dog. I wish I could be doing that now, having fun with my little sister and my mom, being free again.

Being able to be me again.

There it is again, that wave of depression I know all too well. When it hits me, it almost physically hurts me. It feels like I'm being choked and held down, and I can't get up. It just makes me feel like I'm nothing, like I have control of nothing and everything is going to end badly. Before I knew it, my knuckles were turning white again, and my eyes were filling with tears. I squeezed my eyes closed tightly as I felt the anger at myself heightening. I was so angry at myself for being like this. I hated it. Why couldn't I just be normal, like everyone else? Why couldn't I just keep myself under control? Why could I just be what everyone wanted me to be?

"Damnit!" I yelled, punching the wall beside me hard as I shook with the now ever-present sobs. I held my face in my hands, trying to wipe away the tears. I leaned against the wall, sliding down it, until I was literally a crumpled mess on the floor. I couldn't stand myself. I just didn't want to be who I was anymore. Hell, I didn't even want to _be_ anymore.

I sat like that for a while, wrapping my arms around my knees that were now up to my chest, laying my head in between them and just sobbing. I was surprised someone didn't rush in, with all of the noise I was making. But I guess that was normal for people in here to freak out and be crazy.

Its harder then you think, being away from your family for a few hours, knowing that you wont be able to see them for a long, long time. Well, not that long, but an hour seems like a day in this place. One thing was for sure, this was _not_ going to be easy.

After another five minutes or so of trying to control my emotions, I stood up and walked to my bed. I sat down on the edge of the bed and started unpacking more stuff I had in my duffle bag. I got out cards, pyjamas, my toothbrush and toothpaste, as well as all the bathroom stuff. The last thing I got out was a letter - more like _the _letter - I had saved for about 6 months from… _Him._ I don't even know why I kept it all this time. Its not like he cares about me at all now. But I still love him…

I took it out of my now empty duffle bag, smoothing my thumb over it gently. I took it to the side of my bed and put it in the end table's drawer gingerly. I closed the drawer and turned around, hearing someone tap on my door lightly, while opening it. I saw Dr. Byrd throwing a friendly smile my way.

"Hi Demi, how is everything? Are you getting settled in alright?" he asked, looking at me with knitted eyebrows. I nodded quickly, looking down and avoiding his eyes. He smiled and switched his clipboard to the other arm, "well good then. Are you ready for dinner?" I faked a small, tight lipped smile and looked up at him quickly.

"sure, um.." I answered, looking around the room quickly, "do I need a key or something? To get back in?" I asked curiously. He chuckled and shook his head.

"oh no dear. These doors don't lock." he answered as if it was completely obvious. I found that VERY strange.. I mean, what if there was a robber or something? "your completely safe in this building Demetria." Byrd said as if he was reading my mind, "the outside doors automatically lock from the inside, and there are guards at the gate 24/7." I looked at him for a few seconds before speaking.

"oh..o-okay then." I said, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, looking down and playing with my hands. I heard Byrd shuffle a bit before speaking.

"so.. Ready? There serving mac and cheese tonight.. And trust me, you're not going to want to be last in line." he chuckled, beaming at me. I looked up at him for a second before walking towards the door. I was almost out, before he stopped me suddenly, "you know Demi, if you are ever upset, or, you know… crying alone in your room," he said looking me straight in the eyes, hinting that he knew about my previous breakdown, "my office is right down the hallway." he finished. I looked up at him and without a word, walked out the door. I didn't want to talk to anybody, I didn't even want to see anyone except my family right now.

I walked down the corridor slowly, following Dr Byrd, but trying not to walk next to him. It seemed like he enjoyed asking questions, and I hated answering them. We walked down the 'boys hallway', and up a set of stairs to the cafeteria. It was a small cafeteria, but it wasn't a four foot cell. It had about four long tables, even though there were about 75 people in this treatment centre - which, now that I thought about it, was probably to make us sit together and socialize. I walked deeper into the chaos. I saw little groups of three and four sitting together at each table, not talking, but more-or-less just hanging out with each other. You probably need friends you can just be around in a place like this.

"hey, the servers are over here Demi." Dr, Byrd said, walking towards a white counter with mesh-like bars across the windows. There was a small hole in the bullet-proof, mesh-lined glass to talk to the 'servers' with, and a small rectangular one down below to pass food through. I walked up to the window cautiously behind Dr. Byrd as he spoke to the short woman inside the kitchen, "hey Darlene, I've got someone for you to meet," he told her, his hand outstretched towards me. I scotched over a bit so she could see me, putting my hands on the counter gently, suddenly feeling a bit light headed. Darlene, as I have learned her name to be, smiled slightly before speaking.

"Hey, name's Dar." she waved curiously with a tight-lipped smile, I put my hand up silently before speaking in a quiet voice.

"Demi.." I said quickly, avoiding eye contact. She just smiled and looked at Byrd.

"shes very pretty, Henry." Henry? Really? Wow. Maybe he _was _as lame as he acted, "she seems normal enough. What is a girl like you doing in here?" she said with curiosity dripping from her voice. I looked up to her, now making full eye contact. I think she was a bit stunned.

"what do you mean '_a girl like me'_?" I spat without thinking. Half of the reason I was in here was because of asinine judgementa people like this. She opened her mouth in shock before speaking slowly.

"I didn't mean it like _that.._ I just meant, you look fairly healthy, fairly sweet and good natured.. You look normal."

"yeah, well normal people have issues too. You don't know me so how the hell could you automatically just think I'm a perfect little girl who has no problems?" I said, not realizing my voice was getting louder. Dar looked at me in astonishment

"that's enough you two." Dr. Byrd spoke up, looking at me in particular. I looked back at him for a second before looking back down and fiddling with my hands.

"you know what, I'm sorry" I apologized, looking at Dar first, then Dr. Byrd. I took a few steps back, slapping my hands down to my thighs lightly, "I just.." I couldn't spit out my words and I didn't know why. Ugh, I just want to go home. I took a few more steps back before looking straight at them, "I can't.." I stuttered before turning around and walking back towards the stairs.

I walked down the 'boys hallway' slowly, wondering what Maddie and mom were doing at this moment. What they were thinking, what they were feeling.

I wondered what _He_ was feeling..

I shivered involuntarily, pulling my long sleeve shirt I had on over my hands, and crossing my arms. As I walked, I looked into the rooms and realized I wasn't the only person that didn't want to go to dinner. I saw two boys in 129, playing cards with each other. They seemed fairly normal, I guess.. You know.. Aside from the white bandages wrapped around their wrists. I kept walking slowly, taking in my surroundings thoroughly.

"Hey!" someone yelled out of a doorway. I jumped so high, I swear I almost hit the roof. I looked over to see a boy with chocolate brown hair, green eyes, and one hell of a cute smile. He was tall - not giant tall, but tall enough that the top of my head would meet his mouth. He was leaning against the doorway with his hands in his pockets. He reached his hand up slowly, fixing his hair before taking a step towards me, "you're new, right?" he said with a smile - god, he had a great smile. I didn't get a chance to talk before he took another small step towards me, "because, I'm absolutely sure I would remember _you_ if I saw you in here before." he said with a chuckle. I cracked a small smile before folding my arms tighter together.

"so, does that pick-up line ever work on anyone?" I said sarcastically, planting my feet in his direction. He laughed, almost a shocked laugh, and looked straight into my eyes.

"never." he said, raising his eyebrow a bit, "but then again, no one as beautiful as you has ever been in here." he crossed his arms and planted his feet, mimicking the position I was in. I chuckled a bit before responding.

"right. You think that charms me?" I said with a sarcastic tinge in my voice. He cracked a tight-lipped smile before sticking his hand out to me quickly. It kind of shocked me as I flinched, digging my nails into my sides for a second before I realized he was just trying to shake my hand. He looked at me with knitted eyebrows before clearing all emotion in his face.

"sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. I'm Jeremy."

I looked at his hand for a minute, before slowly taking my own out and grabbing his hand softly and shaking it, "Demi." I said softly, avoiding his eyes. I felt him turn my wrist ever so slightly, so slightly that I would usually never notice. I felt him staring at the underside of my wrist, which I quickly pulled away an hid under my sleeve, pretending I didn't see what he did. He sighed slightly before sticking his hands in his pockets again, tilting his head.

Gosh, he was actually pretty cute - for a crazy dude, I mean.

"so, how long will you be staying with us here in jail?" he said in one breath, breathing out at the end while smiling a crooked smile. I rolled my eyes a little, still not keeping eye contact.

"I don't even know. Maybe a month, maybe two… maybe twelve." I laughed sarcastically, feeling small tears prick at my eyes, which I automatically blinked away, running my fingers through my bangs quickly, "whatever." I heard Jeremy chuckle a bit.

"oh, so you're one of _those_ people?" he said with a warm smile, "you're the person that pushes all her feelings aside right?" he asked in a know-it-all voice. I looked up at him, a bit shocked before he spoke again, "I'm right, right?" he asked curiously, almost trying to pick apart my emotions, "I mean, why else would you cut? You're beautiful." he said slowly. My breath caught in my throat a little, before my anger bubbled up inside of me.

"who said I cut?" I asked his fiercely, digging my nails deeper into my sides, "and who the hell gave you the right to judge me so quickly, huh?" I asked, my voice getting louder and my face getting more red, "my thoughts and my feelings and my actions are none of your damn business! I've had enough people probing and digging into my personal life, this is supposed to be my getaway from that and I'm not going to let some boy who is probably more messed up then I am ruin this for me and my family." I ranted, completely out f breath by the end. He looked at me shocked, his mouth hanging open a bit.

"nobody said you cut, or at least, no one said it out loud. When you shook my hand, I saw your wrist. _that's _how I know you cut, and it's a damn good thing you're here too, cuz those suckers look deep." he said in a low tone. I couldn't believe this, I can't believe he's still being a complete jerk to me about _my_ problems, "do you think I'm stupid? I know who you are. I haven't been in here for _that_ long, Demi." he said, stepping forward a bit again, our faces were only about a foot away from each other now. My mouth opened a bit, worried about what he thought of me all of a sudden. People who aren't fans could be really mean.

"all of that still doesn't give you the right to intrude into my life, alright?" I said calmly, not wanting to argue anymore.

"I didn't intrude. I simply asked a question. You'll get asked questions like that a lot in here, and not just by me. every time you introduce yourself in the hell hole, they make you tell your life story of disorders." he said with an eye roll. I panicked a bit, not knowing that they would even be remotely interested in _me_ out of everyone. I hated telling people my problems.. But I guess that's what got me here anyways.

"oh.." I said, sighing afterwards. He nodded his head, crossing his arms slightly.

"yup." he said, popping the 'p', "if you ever don't want to explain, just lie." he said with a shrug, "hell, I told anyone that asked me that I was in here because my parents think I'm crazy even when I'm not." he said with a slight chuckle. I just stood there, not in on the joke. He noticed, "oh, its funny because they wouldn't give a crap if I was dead or alive." he said with another smile.

"that's funny?" I asked with knitted eyebrows. He smiled and nodded, "I think you have a messed up idea of humour." I told him honestly. He laughed and shook his head.

"you'd think it was funny if you knew them too." he said with a small shrug, "anyways, how do you like Byrd?" he asked me, changing the subject ever-so-smoothly. I shrugged my shoulders before answering.

"I don't really know him.." I said in a low tone. _I don't care about him_ I thought to myself, _I just want to go home to my mom, my dad… to Madison._ at that thought, my heart sunk again, literally creating a pain in my chest. _fuck. Don't cry.. Don't cry. Hold it in. breathe. Ok, im good._

"Demi?" I heard Jeremy beckon, trying to reach my eyes, "are you ok? You just kind of zoned out.." he said, actually seeming genuinely worried about me. I shrugged a bit, puling a piece of hair behind my ear roughly.

"yeah. No, I'm good, thanks." I said, swallowing a few times before looking up again.

"are you sure? I can get Byrd, I mean he's not that bad-"

"no, really, I'm ok. Im not going to freak out or anything. Don't worry. I'm not _that_ crazy." I said in one breath, trying to hide my emotions once again. I faked a smile, hoping he would buy it. Thankfully, he did and changed the subject.

"ok. Well, anyways. If you ever want to hang out or anything, just come knock at my door. 112." he said, pointing to the number on his door, "I have a single, so there won't be any strange dudes answering." he said as a joke. I faked a laugh and nodded my head.

"I'll definitely need a friend in here." I told him, rubbing my arm self-consciously. He just smiled again and nodded.

"yeah, you will."

* * *

**Hey guys! :D**

**Soo, I'm sorry this took a while, I just wanted to make it really good. It's 2:04AM on a school night.**

**Yeah.**

**So you can obviously tell I love you guys enough to have fatigue for ya'll xD **

**So! New characters! How did you like it? What did you make of Jeremy? Do you think he's going to be a friend, or a fling - even though its forbidden? What do you think about Serri? Friend or foe? Do you think her and demi will butt heads? Or will they get along? Demi was a little bit more rough in this chapter, which just shows her frustration with herself. Tell me what you think, and of course, if you want me to continue! :D**

**Love, Carley**

**Xx**

**PS, I LOVEEE long reviews :D **


	4. Anger

**Anger.**

"_Why are you doing this to me?"_

"_Because Demi, we needed attention for the project, the fans were dying for it... it just worked out."_

"_Worked out for you, you mean. Because my feelings mean nothing to you, right?"_

"_It's not like that-"_

"_Then what the hell is it like? Huh? Because last thing I knew, you were falling in love with me."_

_Silence._

"_Oh...oh my god..."_

_Silence._

"_You've been lying to me this whole time?"_

_Silence._

"_Oh my god... I... I have to go."_

"_No, Demi! Please stay, we have to talk."_

_I covered my mouth, internally screaming. Feeling my heart breaking and my legs becoming weak, I shook my head and ran out of the room._

"_Demi! Please! I'm sorry!"_

"_No. no no no!" I whisper-screamed to myself._

"_Demi! Demi! Demi?"_

"Demi? Hello? Its time to wake up for the day." I heard Serri's voice compel me out of unconsciousness. I opened my eyes slowly, immediately wanting to close them again due to the intense light. I grunted and lifted up my head a bit, leaning on my elbow and rubbing my eyes.

"What time is it?" I asked Serri groggily, looking around for a clock.

"It's 8:30 silly billy!" she said in a way-too-early-for-this-much-happy kind of voice. I looked at her with knitted eyebrows, shaking my head with a small chuckle, "its time to get up for the daaaayyy!" she sang loudly, walking over to my bared up window and opening the curtains, light flooding in brightly, exposing the dust in the air. I squinted and hissed.

"God why do you have to be so freakin' happy all the time..." I grunted, pulling the covers off myself and turning away from the windows while putting my face in my hands. I noticed how rude that sounded and turned my head towards her, sighing, "Sorry... im just a little..."

"Just a little bitter?" she said as if she already understood. I raised my eyebrows and nodded slightly._ I just want to go home... _"It's normal. Happens with everyone." She says walked around to face me slowly, "without your usual..." she pauses, waving her hands about towards me, "_outlets.._." she says softly, "you get a little bitter. Because now, it's real. Now you have to deal with your life, the healthy way." I sighed and stood up quickly, walking over to my dresser and pulling out some clothes.

"Look, I'm sick of people trying to judge me on my life, alright?" I spat, rifling through my drawers angrily. I found a pair of jeans and a black tight fitting shirt, "just leave me and my thoughts alone-"

"I wasn't trying to intrude Demetria. I was simply stating what usually happens in the process of the treatment, you'll become irritable, and angry-"

"Stop shrinking me!" I snapped loudly, slamming my drawer shut. I could feel my heart beating in my chest from the anger. Why did it make me so mad when she was only trying to help? I have no idea. I breathed heavily before putting my hand on my forehead, "I'm sorry..." I said softly, "I have to change... you mind?" I stated, walking over to my bed, not looking at her. I heard her mumble something and then the door close softly before I took my shirt off over my head, thinking about how _long_ I'm going to be in this retched place.

I walked out of my room and down the hallway towards the boys hall. Walking past room 112, I peeked in it nonchalantly, to see Jeremy standing by his dresser with his shirt off. He stretched, his muscles flexing in the best way possible, and reached into his dresser for a shirt; I'm assuming. He slipped on his shirt and stretched again, yawning, his shirt slithering up just enough so you could see his hips. I audibly took in a breath before walking past his room, as I felt my cheeks flush. My heart beat increased as I walked away from his door.

Interlocking my fingers together, I breathed out slowly before walking into the cafeteria and looking around. There was this one guy – Homer, I think he called himself – eating something that was brown and mushy, muttering 'they're coming. They will find me' to himself. Some people in here are _really_ messed up. Maybe I'm in the wrong place.

"Hey," someone said behind me, startling me from my thoughts. I looked back to see Jeremy, scratching the back of his head awkwardly, "sorry, did I scare you again?" I pulled a piece of hair behind my ear subconsciously and turned to him.

"N-no, no I'm fine... It's just..." I looked around again before continuing, "Early. And it was a long night." I lied. Truth is, I slept great, except for the whole nightmare thing.

God, I hate _him_ so much.

Jeremy stepped a little closer to me, looking my right in the eye, "beautiful, and a good liar. Hm." He said with a smirk. I gulped, the closeness between me and him sinking in. I felt all weird and angst-ie today. Stepping back, I rubbed my arm self consciously and looked down, a blush filling my cheeks.

"I uh.. I have to.. I'll see you later." I said scurrying off quickly. It was too soon, I didn't want to feel like I had interest in someone else, let alone get _turned on_ by someone else.

It was just _way _too soon.

I walked towards the cafeteria line, consisting of a guy that was trying to eat his own hair, and a woman who has crazily shifty eyes. I stood behind hairball man as I waited for my food. Grabbing a tray, I looked up to see Dar glaring at me, "Breakfast stew for this one, Jimmy."

"You got it, Dee." A stalky young man yelled beside her as he brought a huge stew pot from the back. He grabbed my tray and put a heaping serving of gnarly smelling brown liquid goo on it. Or that's what it looked like, anyhow. I looked back at Dar, my face still turned up at what was on my tray.

"You're kidding, right?" I asked in disgust. I'm not stuck up or anything, but this is just gross. Dar smirked and leaned towards me with a glare.

"It doesn't matter how famous you are, no one around here gets special treatment." She spat, smirk still gracing her face, "especially the _spoiled_ ones." She mumbled as she went back to work. I looked down, clenching my jaw and blushing a bit. The hairball man laughed at me, and the girl with shifty eyes smiled before looking away again. I breathed out, feeling the anger bubbling inside of me as I heard someone speak behind me.

"Piss off, Dar." A woman behind me yelled, "Go pick on someone as dumb as yourself." She said before putting a hand on my shoulder and escorting me away gently. She was a little taller then me, with jet black, shoulder length hair, and a silver hoop with a ball at the end in her lip. Internally, I wondered how she had it, seeing as they make you take out all jewelry. She had on a grey, baggy USC sweater with tight, ripped blue jeans, and dark grey converse, "Sorry about that, she's kind of a bitch to everyone." She said with a chuckle and a smile, leading me to a table at the very end of the cafeteria. I sat down on the annoyingly uncomfortable seat as she sat down beside me quietly and stuck out her hand, "Billie." She spoke softly, looking me in the eyes. I faked a smile and shook her hand in return.

"Demi." She nodded her head and started digging into her green beans. _Her tray actually looked yummie._

"I know. I was a big fan." She spoke with a mouth full. I internally sighed in defeat, _grreeeaatt. I wasn't supposed to have to put up with being all happy in here so fans would like me and think everythings ok._

"Oh.. well, thanks.. you know.. for being a fan."

"Oh no, I said I _was_ a fan." She explained, cutting me off a bit while stuffing her face with loose corn. I chuckled a bit and rubbed the back of my neck hard.

"Oh, well.. what did I do wrong?" I asked exasperatedly. She looked at me with a smirk, still chewing her food.

"Nothing at all. You sort of fell off my radar when I transferred into here about 6 months ago." She explained further, dismissing it like it was nothing. My eyes widened as I heard that.

"_Six_ months? W-why.. I mean, that's a heck of a long time." I pried, digging at my breakfast stew with a plastic yellow fork. She chuckled softly and looked back at me.

"Weren't you dating that famous dude?" she asked with knitted eyebrows, smirking. I pulled a strand of hair behind my ear and looked down with a furrowed brow. I felt my heart drop in my chest as I began to feel sick. She sighed and went back to her food, "Exactly. There just some things that people aren't ready to do, or say. I'm not ready to go back to the real world yet… so I stayed here."

I pushed my tray away gently and leaned back in my seat, no longer having an appetite. Billie, however, gobbled down her food like she would never get any ever again, "_gour bot doeing do beas benymower?_" she mumbled through a full mouth. She chuckled, and then swallowed the food that was in her mouth, "I meant to say, you're not going to eat anymore?" I smiled with tight lips and shook my head.

"It's not exactly appetizing." I chuckled, explaining, "plus, I'm not all that hungry." I crossed my arms over my chest slowly.

"No, I don't blame you. Those things are freakin' _gross._" I smiled and nodded, leaning back in my seat once again and rubbing my neck. Billie looked at my food, then me, then back down at her food. I chuckled a bit, feeling the vibrations in my hand from my neck.

"You can have it if you want, you know. I won't eat it." I said, kind of getting the hint. She looked at me, shrugging and grabbing my tray. I smirked and shook my head with a laugh, wondering how someone so small could ingest so much food.

"So," Billie started, interrupting my thoughts, "I'm sensing you're in here for some type of really sad thing. You seem like a very sad person." She said, looking at me like I had some sort of deeper meaning or something. I looked down and back up with knitted eyebrows.

"N-not really, uhme.." I stuttered, not wanting anyone to know why I was in here, "I-I mean.."

"People are going to ask you about It wherever you go dude. Were going to talk about it in group sessions. You're going to hear some of the worst stories you've probably ever heard in your 18 years of life." She warned as she stopped shoveling in food for more then the time it took her to swallow it, "Might as well start the process early, right?" she persuaded seriously. I felt my chest start to thump a little bit harder as I thought about revealing myself to the 15 or more people that are in here.. I mean, was I ready for that?

"I don't think I'm really ready for that." I admitted to her quietly, looking down at my hands. She chuckled sarcastically.

"Are we ever ready to expose our emotions like that?" she asked rhetorically, leaning back in her chair now, crossing her arms, "I wasn't. You're not." She explained, avoiding my eyes; in her own world, "but ready or not..." she went on, snapping out of her trance and chuckling, "Well, you know the rest."

As silence took us over, I started thinking about home. About friends… About fans… About family.

The table shook as a tray landed on it and I saw someone on the other side, "Hey." Jeremy said with a childish grin, sitting down and running his fingers through his hair, "how are you today?" he asked, maintaining eye contact. I chuckled a bit, crossing my arms and shrugging my shoulders. He chuckled, smiling, "That good, huh? Yeah, first week is the hardest." Before he finished eating, Dr. Byrd came out of the hallway into the café and headed for our table. He came over to our table and smiled, holding his clipboard firmly.

"Demi, are you ready for your first individual session?" he asked me, almost excited. I found it strange that he could get excited about prying into someone's personal thoughts and methods of madness.. sick really. I feel as though all shrinks are really crazy themselves, and manipulative. I shrugged and pushed away my tray, standing up slowly.

"Yeah, I guess."

* * *

**hey guys!**

**i am so so so so so so (x about 3000) sorry for not updateing sooner! n**

**i've been really busy with school and work, and my computer like, blew up.**

**no joke.**

**so im sorry for the semi-shortness of this! but please R&R if you want me to continue 3**

**xx Carley**

**PS. DEMI IS OUT OF TREATMENT! (irl) woo!**


	5. OOPS

Hey guys! It's been a long time since I have updated on fanfiction in general. I don't know if y'all would even want me to finish this story. my reasoning to leaving you hanging is I had the next chapter all typed out and my laptop stopped working, and I can't afford a new one right now. I'm using my moms computer at the moment, but I totally forgot about this story to be honest. I know, I'm terrible.

If you want me to continue (for real) just review and tell me , ill delete this note and update it with a new chapter if I get enough positive reviews. Deal? Ok. Bye lovelies xoxo, Carley.


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